Ford Street

Sunday Evening Sweep

Before the Sweep, I’d like to acknowledge the victims of American Airlines Flight 587, which crashed shortly after takeoff enroute to the Dominican Republic, 5 years ago today.  We were all a little overwhelmed at the time, especially those of us right here in New York where it happened, so this particular disaster perhaps doesn’t get its due.  There was just too much to process at the time. 

On to Sweep:

All contributions are from the AP this evening. 

A guy named Randy Wooten ran for mayor of Waldenburg, Arkansas last week, and of course, he voted for himself.  Problem is this: when the tallied votes were posted, Randy’s name had a zero next to it. 

Corruption at its most sincere.   Randy finds this out from his wife – here’s the quote; “She saw my name with zero votes by it. She came home and asked me if I had voted for myself or not. I told her I did," said Wooten, owner of a local bar.  You know what this means, right?  Poor Randy’s wife didn’t vote for him!  Corruption AND marital issues.  Not a good election season for Waldenburg, or Randy.  "It's just very hard to understand," Wooten said. 

Indeed. 

This one is a crime.  High school students in Wellington, New Zealand “will be able to use ‘text-speak’ -- the mobile phone text message language beloved of teenagers -- in national exams this year, officials said.”

I can’t put this any better than Internet blogger Phil Stevens; “nzqa[New Zealand Qualifications Authority]: u mst b joking," Stevens wrote. "or r u smoking sumthg?"

Can’t you see it?  Five years from now, SAT essays in text speak.  “Great Expectations” in 500 words. 

From Albuquerque, New Mexico – Two on-duty police officers pulled up to a Burger King to have a meal, ordered hamburgers, and stopped halfway through eating them when they realized that the burgers were laced with marijuana.

"The idea that these hoodlums would put marijuana into a hamburger and therefore attempt to impair law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs is outrageous."

Suuuuuuure that’s what happened. 

And finally, a novel approach to dodging traffic fines comes to us from Down Under.  More than 200 Australian motorists have avoided parking and speeding fines by blaming either a dead man or an interstate resident for their errors in what police said Saturday may be a widespread fraud.”

This is hilarious.  It’s certainly funnier than putting weed in five-o’s burgers. 

“Under New South Wales state law, if a car owner signs a sworn statement that they were not driving the vehicle when an offense was committed, they can avoid paying speed camera fines, which arrive by mail, and parking tickets left under windshield wipers. A recent government audit of the excuses given in those sworn statements revealed that 238 motorists had blamed one of two people - a dead man who had, when alive, lived in Sydney and a person living in neighboring South Australia state - Police Superintendent Daryl Donnolly said in a statement.  Some 80,000 Australian dollars ($61,000) of fines have been avoided this way in the past three years, Donnolly said.”

Superintendent Donnolly won’t be personally investigating this, of course.  The dead guy will. 

Sunday Evening Sweep

From the how-stupid-can-you-get department:  according to the AP, “A naked man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after telling police he had a screwdriver in his buttocks.  The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path near the El Cerrito (CA) Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said. John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburgh was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked if he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.  "You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.

First, that’s a great quote. Second, this fellow, who was out on parole, clearly wanted to go back to prison very badly. And it appears that he will get his wish. 

Also from the AP – a woman in Port Huron, MI tried to sell a mummy on eBay earlier this month. The aforementioned (and thoroughly disrespected) mummy appears to have come from “an early 19th century Scottish collection, authorities said.” The woman will not be charged with anything but I suspect she’s going to have a devil of a time trying to sell anything on eBay. I’d say they’re WATCHING this one.  Oh, wait, there’s more – “The listing was removed from eBay on Oct. 11 because it violated a policy against selling human remains, eBay has said. The Web site allows the sale of skeletons for medical use, but not mummified remains.”  Who knew?  From now on I’m selling all of my skeletons on eBay.

From CBS – At the Planet Fitness gym in Wappingers Falls, one is apparently not permitted to grunt.

Huh?

Correct, and if you think I’m funning with you, ask Al Argibay, who got tossed out of the gym for grunting. Membership revoked.  Do not return. The whole shootin’ match. Poor Al says he only grunted a couple of times, while preparing to squat 500 pounds. (I never grunt when I squat 500 pounds; clearly, Al is a momma’s boy.)  The folks over at the Planet Fitness thought this boorish behavior and Al got the boot.

I wonder what they do to you if you sweat?

Plus, do they allow mummies?

Sunday Evening Sweep

Here’s a goodie from Reuters – “A Chinese entrepreneur is suing a Beijing trade bureau for denying him a permit to sell bags of ‘World Cup air’ and for scotching his plans to bottle and sell ‘2008 Olympic air.’ Li Jie, who describes himself as chief executive of the Lunar Embassy to China and once tried to sell land on the moon, sought a permit to sell ‘World Cup air’ for 50 yuan ($6.30) a bag to soccer enthusiasts unable to make the trip to Germany this year. His idea was that fans could hang the green plastic bag around their necks and breathe in the air while watching World Cup matches on television, local media reported.”

I can’t believe they didn’t give him a permit for that.

We’ve all seen those tour buses tearing around (insert city of your choice.) I’ve always wondered about those tour guides.  Here, from a piece in today’s NY Daily News, is a list of comments heard lately from Gray Line tour guides: (suffice to say that all of the below statements are wrong.)

• Pointing to the Arsenal in Central Park -- "That's where the city keeps all the guns."
• Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote the poem inscribed at the foot of the Statue of Liberty.
• Parks Department "greensworkers" are required to sleep in Central Park 10 days a year.
• Liechtenstein could fit inside Central Park.
• After 2,000 Irish immigrants built Central Park, they decided to form the NYPD.  There was no police department at the time, so they became New York's first cops. (This one is my personal favorite.) 
• R.H. Macy’s initials stand for Romeo Hibiscus. 

Next time I need a little break from work, I’m going to take one of those Gray Line tours around Manhattan, just to heckle the tour guide.

Short Sweep tonight.  Hey, it’s the World Series.

Sunday Evening Sweep

A stunning development: according to a survey conducted by Harris Interactive, more than half of respondents admitted to re-gifting! This is, in my opinion, indicative of a colossal drop in basic manners and good sportsmanship. If you got a lousy gift, chances are excellent that someone else would think it was lousy too. Passing it on as a gift is tasteless, and lazy to boot! It’s fine to just give the drek away – one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that – but re-gifting is just wrong. Put it in a pile in the closet like the rest of us.

According to the AP, “a Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting what he claims to be a new world record. Akira Haraguchi, 60, needed more than 16 hours to recite the number to 100,000 decimal places, breaking his personal best of 83,431 digits set in 1995, his office said Wednesday.”

OK: 1) if it’s not a new world record, it sure ought to be. 2) if somebody else can do this, I am amazed at how dim I am.  3) this guy is a mental health counselor who apparently spends all of his free time memorized numbers.  Anybody else got a problem with that?  4)  He obviously needs a new hobby now.  Someone direct him to Sudoku.  If ever a hobby was waiting for a guy...

It had to happen eventually:  a three-year-old boy hopped onto the computer after his mom walked away got into a bit of a scuffle.  Mom, you see, was on eBay and the plucky lad nagivated his way to a pink Nissan Figaro, which he cleverly purchased using the handy “buy it now” option (which his Mom likely thinks is a little too handy now).  From the AP: “The first time the Neals, from Sleaford in eastern England, knew of the sale was when they received an e-mail from auto dealer David Jones, who thought he had made his first Internet sale. Jones saw the funny side and said he will not hold the Neals to their purchase. The car will be re-listed later.”  Lucky, lucky, lucky…but I’m guessing little Jack Neal won’t be allowed near a computer alone for a while.

Bangkok has a lovely shiny new airport – Suvarnabhumi Airport opened recently and it’s so popular with the locals that they show up with picnic lunches and hang out.  The problem is, there are a bloody lot of them, and there’s not enough room for actual travelers. Chotisak Asapaviriya, president of Airports of Thailand is begging the looky-loos to stay away now.  This sounds like yet another job for Sudoku to me.

Sunday Evening Sweep

Good evening!  From the Associated Press – Six Flags Great America is running a promotion for the month of October – if you don’t want to wait on line for a ride, just eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach and you can go right to the head of the line.

This is what I think of this promotion: I had emotional trouble just typing the words “Madagascar hissing cockroach.”

I would have to wait on line for HOURS. And I wouldn’t complain for one minute.

I know that people on “Fear Factor” do this all of the time, and they appear to be fine. No matter.  I wouldn’t even be able to put one in my hand, let alone eat it.

A company called UP Aerospace is set to launch the SpaceLoft XL rocket early tomorrow from Spaceport America, in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. From Reuters: “The telephone pole-sized rocket will carry around 50 items of payload -- including a Ziploc bag of Cheerios, some cremated remains and several high school science projects -- on a brief suborbital flight 70 miles above Earth.”

“Chief executive Eric Knight said clients could buy payload space starting at a few hundred dollars for items weighing a few grams, rising to ‘many tens of thousands of dollars’ for larger pieces of cargo.”

These guys have nine flights booked over the next year, and hope to make space flight more affordable in the very near future.  Good on ‘em, I say. 

How’s this for you: according to Reuters, a Finnish court recently ruled that 25,500 euros is entirely too much money to charge a man to fondle a woman’s breasts. “The court jailed a couple in their twenties for more than a year for charging a 74-year-old who suffers from dementia a total of 25,500 euros to enjoy the woman's breasts on 10 occasions.  ‘Based on general life experience alone, it is indisputably clear that a 25,500 euro charge is disproportionate to the compensation in question,’ Judge Hasse Hakki, who heard the case, told Reuters Friday.”

I’ll say.  Didn’t this guy ever watch “Risky Business?” For that much money, you can get a hell of a lot more than just breasts. High-speed internet, at least.

Starbucks is raising its prices by a nickel, and they’ve issued a press release, which was duly picked up by Reuters.

Honestly.  I have nothing against Starbucks, but are people really going to complain about the nickel? Would people complain if you had to eat a live cockroach before getting your freakin’ latte? I think not.  "The price increase will see little if any resistance by the consumer," said JMP Securities analyst Kristine Koerber, who said traffic at the chain held steady two years ago after a more dramatic price increase. "It's gotten to be part of our daily routine."

Translation: “We could raise prices by 75 cents and require that customers eat a live roach and let us feel their breasts before getting their f’ing Frappucinos, and it wouldn’t affect our business in the least.”

Sunday Evening Sweep

From the AP – There is a farm in Wisconsin that is becoming very popular with American Indians, considering it has hosted the birth of three white buffalos, which the Indians consider a mighty good omen.  "We took one look at it and I can't repeat what I thought, but I thought, 'Here we go again,"' owner Dave Heider said.  Mr. Heider’s farm in Janesville now hosts many a visiting Indian; there was even a recent ceremony to honor the latest calf, which has no name yet. 

The piece states; “According to a version of the legend, a white buffalo, disguised as a woman wearing white hides, appeared to two men. One treated her with respect, and the other didn't. She turned the disrespectful man into a pile of bones, and gave the respectful one a pipe and taught his people rituals and music. She transformed into a female white buffalo calf and promised to return again.”

A pile of bones, indeed.  No wonder they come and pay respects to the calf. 

Also from the AP – there is a schoolteacher in Ephrata, Washington, who has not shaved since the September 11 terrorist attacks.  Gary Weddle says he’s not going to shave his beard, either, until Osama bin Laden is caught -- "even if I get buried with it."  All I can say is, good thing he’s a guy and not a woman.

I’ve done a bit of mystery shopping, recently in fact, and it was fun and I got some great stuff.  I do draw the line, though, at certain types of mystery shopping.  Apparently hospitals hire folks to memorize symptoms of certain ailments and have them pose as patients, to gauge staff efficiency and attitude.  From the San Francisco Chronicle – a recent mystery patient named Jason kept up his charade through a CT scan, but yelled Uncle when “a concerned emergency doctor wanted him to submit to further ‘potentially painful’ tests.” What if it was just an enema?  OK then?  Jeez.  All I got was $50 and a lot of paperwork.  I think my mystery shopping days might be dwindling. 

If you’re aching to be a farmer, here’s a story for you. There is a very popular farm in Georgetown, KY, called the Double Stink Hog Farm that is for sale!  Apparently, if you live in Scott County, KY, and want that perfect pumpkin, or just a fun day on a farm, you go to the Double Stink Hog Farm. The dreaded “condo people” (who are abhorred here in Sheepshead Bay) are encroaching, and the brothers that own it want a little more space. According to the Lexington Herald-Leader, “If it does sell, it will be the end of an era of sorts. For a generation, Double Stink has been a destination for school field trips and families each fall.  They come for the food, the fall atmosphere, the petting zoo, and, of course, the fields of pumpkins.”

There isn’t even a clause that you have to keep the name. You can call the farm anything you want. Which, I am obliged to say, would be a huge improvement from the Double Stink Hog Farm.

Sunday Evening Sweep

I know this is the Sunday Evening Sweep, and I’ll get to that in a minute. But first, a story that goes out to the HIT team at Stanton Crenshaw Communications. I went to a nearby mall today (always a terrifying event) to get that pair of sneakers that eluded me on Friday. While waiting in a sneaker store that was playing very crazy music very loudly, I noticed that a few of the salespeople were quite obviously looking at me. I asked for a pair of sneakers to try on – easily the most conservative pair in the house, they weren’t shiny or sparkly or patent leather or camouflage or any such thing. I was looking at the sneaker on my foot, and the salesgirl that helped me looked at me, and looked at the other employees looking at me and said; “You’re just as white as you can be, aren’t you?” (They were all black.)  I looked back at her and deadpanned; “Like a snowflake on a paper plate in a snowstorm.” This promptly brought the house down, and the store manager had to be fetched for a repeat performance. I said it again, and the house came down again. The only other customer in the store, also white, was appalled and said to me, aren’t you offended? I said, ma’am, I am WHITE.  For God’s sake, I have a leash on my sunglasses! What’s to be offended about?

The store manager gave me three free pairs of socks. A very entertaining purchase, all the way around.

OK, here’s the Sweep: 

According to the AP, a mugger tried to rob 56-year-old Margaret Johnson – who, I would point out, was in a wheelchair – and was brought up short when Ms. Johnson calmly pulled out her .357 and SHOT HIM. You see, she was on her way to the shooting range when the fool accosted her. His buddies are so gonna laugh at him for the rest of his life, and rightfully so. He was shot in the elbow, which was kind of her. I’ve have gone for the knee.

Valerie Wilson won a million bucks in 2002, from a NY State scratch-off game. This week, she did it again.  And she still does not plan to quit her job, at least not yet.

The odds of her doing this twice were 1 in 3,669,120,000,000. I need to start hanging out with this woman. I should maybe also start playing scratch-off games. 

This is great: four inmates at a maximum-security prison in El Salvador were found to have cell phones hidden in, ah, body cavities.  Cell phones!  “Hello, hello?  I can’t hear you!  Must be a bad connection! You sound like you’re in a tunnel!”

It gets better…in addition to the cell phones, prison officials also discovered that the inmates had smuggled in chargers…

In the interests of good taste, I’ll sign off here.

Sunday Evening Sweep

The World Basketball title…did I need this?  My uncle, who arrived in this country about 36 years ago but is as proud of Greece (and of his accent) as if he’d stepped off the boat yesterday, delights in rubbing my nose in Greek triumphs.  I called to say hello.  “Did you hear that the Greeks beat the American large Negroes?” Put on the spot like that, I of course had to come up with an insult of similar tone. “Yes, I heard that the American large Negroes were beaten by the usually inept Greek homosexuals.” “What?” – he countered sharply.  “Greek.  Inept.  Homosexuals,” I said.  I could hear his brow darkening over the phone, and he ended his portion of the call abruptly. HA!  Victory is mine. 

McDonald’s is redesigning the containers that its McFlurry beverages come in after learning that they were apparently wiping out the hedgehog population in the U.K. – they’d stick their heads in the containers to get at the leftovers, and get stuck, and starve to death. I mean, I am all for ending the slaughter of hedgehogs, but the things you have to think of when you’re designing a drink container! I love this story because a) I think hedgehogs are cute, and I’m happy that the apparently greedy little fools will no longer get their heads trapped in McFlurry containers, and b) it gives me an excuse to post a picture of a hedgehog on my blog. Hedgehog on my blog.  (Sorry, that was fun.)

Postscript:  what in the HELL is a McFlurry?  And why in the hell can’t the slobs in the U.K. throw their nasty McFlurry containers in the trash, where they belong?

A bartender at an Applebee’s restaurant in Hutchinson, KS, got a lovely surprise from a regular customer; he paid his $26 and left a $10,000 tip. According to the AP, the restaurant is verifying the tip, and once it finishes doing so, Cindy Kienow says that there’s a Jeep she’s had her eye on. I used to wait tables, and I never got a $10,000 tip. Maybe it was because of The Game.  The Game was an excellent way to pass the time; at the start of the night, all participants would put $10 in a pot. The object of The Game was to approach a table of as many people as possible at precisely the right time, to ask if everything was OK and if they needed anything else. Why was this the goal?  The trick was this: every occupant had to have a full mouth when you asked, thus reducing 4 or 6 or 8 grown people to do that covering-the-mouth-while-they-say-everything-is-fine thing.  I loved The Game, and won it often.  To this day, when a waitress slams me with a mouthful, I nod appreciatively and mentally add $5 to the tip.

OK, listen up: another AP story, this one out of Parksville, British Columbia.  The S.S. Minnow is up for sale, and it only costs $99,000 Canadian. COME ON!  A bunch of us can get together and buy this boat. I want to be Mary Ann.  Or Gilligan, even. But would we want to take it anywhere? I guess we could take it someplace that only takes TWO hours to get to. No three-hour tours. 

We could go get McFlurries.  McFlurrys?  Bah. 

Sunday Evening Sweep

I always hate a plane crash, and this one is nothing new.  Apparently the pilot of a Delta connection flight from Lexington, KY to Atlanta, GA may have taken off on the wrong runway, which may explain why the plane crashed so soon after takeoff.  Crazy, freak thing, shouldn’t have happened, but tell that to the families of the 49 folks who died.

On an opposite note, here’s to a lifetime of safe flights and blue skies for my friend Pete, who is a brand-new private pilot.  You can read all about it on our blog, www.nyapproach.com.  Cheers, Pete!

Two brothers from Long Island were arrested yesterday and charged with DUI after they crashed their respective cars.  Into each other.  This should make for a fun family Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

There is a new Automat opening in New York!  Not Horn & Hardart; this one is called “Bamn!” and, like the famous automat, will sell food out of little coin-operated boxes.  No seating, though, and not large meals.  Appetizers and small portions.  Mac and cheese, anyone?

Clyde Priest, a milkman in Hannibal, MO, for the past 70 years, has retired, though unhappily.  Can you imagine?  He started when he was 10, helping out his dad.  We had a milkman when I was a kid; I loved the milkbox, which stood outside our front door long after we started getting milk from the store.  I kept other things in it; I sort of made it my office.  Skate keys, Popsicle sticks, rubber balls – it was very handy.  If I saw one today, I’d buy it.  I also loved going to get the milk, and carrying the big, heavy bottles inside.  Milk just tasted better in bottles.  The containers don’t do it justice.  I wish Clyde hadn’t retired.  I feel bad for those folks in Hannibal who are going to have to start drinking milk out of containers.

According to the AP, Kangaroos are having just a bit too much fun down under, and as a result there are too many full pouches.  They are developing an oral contraceptive and hope to thin out the herd eventually.  Hmmm.  Do you think the jumpers are planning a coup? 

Rounding things out nicely, Reuters has a story, complete with quotes from experts, which maintains that cows in England moo with a distinctive accent.  “I think it works the same as with dogs - the closer a farmer's bond is with his animals, the easier it is for them to pick up his accent."

Does this mean that Finn, poor devil, has a Brooklyn accent?

Sunday Evening Sweep

There is a pop-up store in Manhattan, on 15^th and Union Square East, for Ben & Jerry’s milkshakes. That’s right.  You can just go right in and sample 3 different flavors of milkshake, and then just go right on about your business.  Is New York City great or what?

I went to the ’86 Mets reunion last night at Shea. Let’s face it, these weren’t the classiest guys in the world, but they sure gave us a great ride. Almost every one of them, when introduced, went over to Frank Cashen to shake his hand – which was a classy thing to do. I loved these boys.  I loved that team.  And I loved being at Shea last night to see them 20 years later. Plus, the Mets won last night, so it really was a great night all around.

According to an AP story, workers at a chocolate factory in Fountain Valley, CA, have located a small piece of chocolate dripping that strongly resembles the Virgin Mary. Now the employees of the factory pray to the piece of chocolate, and bring flowers to it.  Clearly, when I get to work tomorrow, if I’m not in the mood to get much done, I need to pour myself some Cocoa Krispies and take a good look at the bowl. 

OK, I didn’t mean to be sacrilegious there.  I’m Catholic myself, I don’t want to offend God or the Virgin Mary.  I would carefully point out, though, that the AP editors are clearly going to hell (although they may be a fun bunch to hang out with) because this is what they dredged up for a headline for this piece: “Sweet Mary, Mother of God?”

Going to Hell. 

Hilarious: when I was a kid and someone in the neighborhood caught chicken pox, all of the other kids in the neighborhood were sent to that kid’s house to play.  God forbid the kid didn’t feel good or didn’t want to play: every mother on the block would be on the phone; “send out Jimmy, I want my kids to get the chicken pox!”  This was especially true if little Jimmy was unfortunate enough to get sick over a holiday break.  I tell this story to people, and they think it’s just another Brooklyn-is-full-of-freaks story.  Well, apparently the chicken pox parties are getting popular again.  Mothers don’t want to inoculate their kids, so instead, they wait for a chicken pox party to pop up, and then send their kids along.  In today’s NY Daily News, there’s a story about these parties, and here’s a quote from a mom who sent her child to one; "We had Popsicles and I took a kazoo…There were lots of things you would put in your mouth."

See?  Nothing really ever goes out of style.